seeing “amy.”

Posted by on Jul 18, 2015 in Blog | 2 Comments

i wrote these musings after seeing the documentary, “amy.” it really touched me.


dear anita.

amy winehouse died before i did. on july 23 2011. it was a rough year for both of us. i miss her. i never knew her.


depression:” yeah, i think its just what musicians have.”

she meant artists. she meant people who hope that life is something more than it’s made out to be. or people who were prompted to think it would be more. and it’s not.

she got to sing with that guy, tony bennet. he was grace unfurled. to be with her.

anita, that was her last chance.

and then she started calling her friends. and saying sorry. for two whole days. and then she drank all that booze.

finished it off.

i think the thing is, i want to be a dead person alive. i want to torment the people who are alive by showing them you can live  how you want, and not be fucked around by the rules or the straight talk that is around. that nothing means anything. but as long as you can stick as close as possible to your new, true feelings. you will be okay.

remember when all those artists and award-givers were lined up on the stage–to grant amy her grammy? i realized then, her thin, crumpled stance– how incomplete and thrown away her life was, how destroyed she was by the drugs, paparazzi and press, and that in that light—her gone-ness, and it just being a life, and mine just being a life—that my own destruction of the beauty i have had, is okay. it’ll work out. it’s (just) a life. they happen all the time.

besides, she had beauty.

her boyfriend went to jail. how final is that, when you break the rules? but even in jail, you can turn around . you can get up and do push-ups. even under the bright lights. i think the main thing is, to be strong. gretchen is my gal. and i can be with artists any time i want.

she said that it was boring. without the drugs. when she went backstage, after winning the grammy. she said it to her friend. she was chasing a feeling.

the feeling of love for life.

and her whole life, she wanted her dad back. that dad to tickle her and play with her and put up a boundary. at least i had that in my life. boundaries. and a sense of “there-ness” with my parents. that is precious. and i will hold on to what is precious.

she used that word, “black,” in her song. i think if you tell yourself enough times that “i go back to black,” you will.


  1. Courtney
    August 5, 2015

    Your writing – and you – are impeccable. It’s (just) a life, and those do happen all the time, and back to black is a decision broken people make every day. I get it. I live it. I miss Amy too, because she spoke to the broken bits of me that like to stay hidden. I would love to feel joie de vivre again, but – like Amy – that feeling is an abstraction of a memory I had from early childhood, not something I believe that I believe in anymore. Amy is all creative types, I fear, especially those of us who have suffered loss and trauma. I just hope we don’t all suffer her fate.

    • dranita
      August 6, 2015

      hmmmmm…beautiful, courtney. thank you. “i would love to feel joie de vivre again, but–like Amy–that feeling is an abstraction of a memory i had from early childhood.”
      you are beautiful, courtney. i love it when other people “get” this sadness. we persist, but there’s a hole…
      xo a


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